“Bobby!” Mark calls out as he walks up from behind me in the hall.
I force a smile before I turn to face him, “Hey, what’s up?”
“Oh nothing much. Just found out yesterday that my family and I are going on a cruise to Alaska this summer.” He beams with excitement.
“That’s awesome.” I’m aiming to match his energy in my voice, but I’m not sure how well I’m doing.
“Yeah. Two weeks at sea. My dad likes the idea cause it starts and ends in Vancouver. So there aren't any extra costs like flying back to where we parked the car.” He laughs.
“Cool. Yeah, I guess that would be convenient.” There is a small pause, “When are you leaving?”
“In about a month–a couple weeks after school ends.”
“Jealous.”
Mark laughs again before something catches his eye up ahead of us, “Justin, Anthony!” He runs off ahead of me, “Guess where I’m going this summer.”
I shake my head a little before I hear a voice behind me.
“Don’t feel bad, he ditched me to tell you.” Abby’s voice is relatively monotone.
“He’s just excited. What do you expect?” I turn to see her trailing slightly behind me with Sarah beside her looking down at her phone.
“I know…” Her voice trails off like she has more to say, but is keeping it to herself.
“Cruises always seem fun if you haven't been on one before, but it’s just an over-crowded boat.” Sarah seems about her usual level of disinterest in the conversation.
“Oh? I’ve never been, so I wouldn’t know. I guess you’ve done one before?” Abby’s tone hasn’t changed.
“Yeah, but I got super seasick. I didn’t enjoy it.”
We catch up with Mark and the others just as he's explaining the round trip part to them.
“That’s neat. That’d make getting home easier, I’d imagine.” Anthony looks like he’s mapping out the route in his head as he speaks.
The first bell of the day goes off shortly after and each of us head in different directions to our classes. Bio 11 isn’t my favorite class to start my mornings with, usually. I can’t really say today is an exception, but I just don’t really care either way right now. I don't feel like participating in much of anything today. I probably could have stayed home–I doubt my mom would have said no if I asked. Thing is, I wasn’t going to feel any better sitting at home, so school didn’t seem like a bad option. Maybe something will distract me a little today but I’m not betting on it.
I take my seat and look up at Ms. Samson, who is already sitting on her stool next to the overhead projector. Our school is like living in the dark ages. They know power-point exists now, right?
“Good morning, today we’re going to continue where we left off last Friday on…” She starts, though I quickly lose interest. We were talking about organisms, or something, last class. Adaptability is the word she stressed, so I think this will be more of the same.
I copy everything she writes down, but while my body is in class my mind is elsewhere. There are murmurs around me and sometimes I can make out a word or two–nothing interesting. As I feel is common for high school students on a Monday, the topic is about what happened on the weekend.
I can hear the girls sitting right behind me whispering about some guy. I can’t make everything out, but it seems like one of them is or was dating him, and they are giggling about something. They normally talk during class, but today it’s bothering me. It almost sounds like they are making fun of him in some way. I keep hearing the word gross, but I’m missing the context it’s being used in. If I was a meaner person I’d turn around and tell them to shut up, but I don’t feel like causing a scene and ending up on the internet… That seems to be the way things play out now. At least, that's what all those random videos of people arguing would have me believe.
“Darwin discovered that there were many species of Finches with beaks that had adapted to the…” Ms. Samson attempts to draw a bird's beak next to her notes, but she’s a biology teacher not an artist.
There's that word again, I underline it in my notebook. I just need to remember that word come test time, I can almost guarantee it will show up. She continues on about these birds for a while, and seems pretty animated about these beaks. I don’t really get why she’s driving this point so hard… They’re just birds.
I hear a whisper from somewhere in the room, from one of the male students, say something about a campfire. When I look to my right I see it’s one of the soccer team members talking to his friend. He mimics flames with his hands and he kind of looks stupid pushing his lips out while he attempts to make the sound of a roaring fire. It’s been a while since I sat by a fire. I wasn’t feeling up to it last year, and I doubt I will this summer either. The thought passes through my mind but I quickly shove it out of the spotlight. It's beginning to drag me down again. After looking up from my notebook and back at the projection on the drop down screen at the front of class, I find myself staring at the large shadow of Ms. Samson’s hand. She has a tendency to drop her writing hand too low and smudge anything that she brushes over, but it hasn’t happened so far.
“So while these finches all derive from the same species, competition for food made some have to look elsewhere. Those with longer, fatter, or stronger beaks were able to obtain a food source the others couldn’t, making that specific beak shape advantageous for that area.”
I remember, when I was camping with my grandparents, my Grandpa would point out all the different birds. Red Breasted Robin always made me laugh when he’d see one, but I was also only Ten or Eleven at the time. I think he enjoyed that I was so easy to make laugh, cause he always emphasized Breasted when he’d say it. He knew a lot about birds, which always seemed like an odd thing to have as on hand information. Although, that’s what he knew. He also did some bird calls, and was particularly proud of his pigeon calls. Though hearing him quack like a duck always seemed the silliest to me. I do have to say, it was a pretty good impersonation. One time he confused a couple ducklings, and they looked genuinely unsure of which voice to follow. Of course, when momma duck squawked loudly and angrily they figured out who to listen to quickly. Grandpa’s gruff laugh was probably another good indicator he wasn’t their mother.
I can’t help but smile softly at the memory playing in my head.
“Please take one of these and pass it back.” Ms. Samson hands a small stack of papers to the first person in each row of desks. “I’ll be collecting these at the start of class on Friday. So that's lots of time to finish the chapter and fill this out.”
I hear a groan from the back row as someone learns that the handout is due, but Ms. Samson doesn't give them any attention. Shortly after that the bell rings and Ms. Samson looks up and smiles, “Alright everyone, remember to read pages two-hundred forty-seven to two fifty. Remember the test is in a week.”
After closing my books and throwing them in my bag I head off to my next class. I kind of wish the day was done, this has already been too much.
The day continues like this, I find myself on auto-pilot for most of it. Though during class time, there isn’t much need for putting on a smile. It’s when the bell goes for lunch I feel almost dread. It means I’ll have to pretend I’m okay for my friends and I'm not sure if I have it in me at this point. Then again, Mark will probably use the break to tell us more about his trip, so it’s possible I can just hang in the background and go relatively unnoticed.
I’m usually one of the first people in the cafeteria, but that's because I don’t like using my locker. So I just carry my bag around with me all day. It means I can grab whichever table I want, and start eating before any of my friends show up. It also saves me having to wait around the microwave that usually has a line up by the time my food is done. I’m a firm believer that lockers are for suckers.
Justin and Sarah join me first, which usually means they had PE before lunch.
“Hey man, what’s up?” Justin says as he pulls out the chair next to mine.
“Not much.” I don’t look up at them.
Sarah sits next to him, but doesn’t say anything. She takes her sandwich out of the clear plastic bag and takes a bite, holding it in one hand while her other scrolls through something on her phone.
Justin pops open his rectangular Tupperware container and pulls out a thin slice of pizza.
“That’s some pretty sad looking pizza.” Sarah smirks as she looks over her phone.
“It’s what was left of the frozen one I made last night. My parents were out, and I’m no chef.” They both chuckle at this.
“Yeah, the room we got has a balcony. So I’ll be able to go out and look at the water whenever I want.” Mark's voice proceeds him. While both Anthony and Abby walk with him, it seems like only Anthony is actually listening.
They fill up the remaining seats at the table and each pull out their lunches.
I can’t remember the last time Abby didn’t sit next to Mark during lunch but today she’s next to Sarah with Anthony in between her and her boyfriend. She leans over and says something to Sarah that I don’t catch, but it causes them both to laugh quietly. I’d imagine a sly comment about Mark still talking about the trip.
“What about you guys? Any big plans this summer?” Mark smiles as he says this. I don’t think he means it, but it feels like he's being condescending.
Anthony thinks for a moment, “I’m going to the medieval fair in August, but I do that every year.”
“Is that like a larping event?” Sarah lowers her phone and raises an eyebrow.
Justin busts out laughing, “I’m surprised you know that word.” Which earns him a dirty look.
“Some people larp–the ones who are really into it. I just go to hang out with friends, look at the swords, and watch the knights fight, cause that’s always a good time.”
“Well, I think we should all get together and play laser tag in the woods like we did last year.” Justin pauses, “You know what, let's do it while Mark’s on his cruise.” He laughs causing a few smiles to form around him.
“Hey, that’s not fair! It was my idea last year, you can’t play without me.” Mark whines, but he clearly isn’t getting any sympathy.
Sarah’s head turns to face him, “Isn’t that dangerous?”
“Pfft… City girl.” Anthony says just loud enough for everyone to hear.
Sarah shoots him a nasty side eye as the table laughs.
“Don’t worry Sarah. If we see a bear while we are playing, I’m confident I could outrun any of you, so I’d be safe.” Justin grins cockily.
Sarah returns the smile, “Not if I trip you and get a head start.”
“Oh just get a room, you two.” Anthony shouts loudly before taking another bite of his food.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sarah go red before, but it’s kind of funny to see her thrown off for a change. Justin stumbles over his words trying to brush the idea aside, making it painfully obvious he’d be up for such a room.
“I’m just happy that this year I won't be stuck doing all your guys' boy stuff. Sarah and I can do a movie night while you boys run around the forest at night like idiots.” Abby interjects, though I’m pretty sure it’s just to cover for her friend’s embarrassment at the latest comment.
The girls start talking to each other, effectively ignoring the others at the table.
Justin leans into me a little, “Hey, man. Are you feeling alright? You haven’t said a word at all since I sat down.”
I feel thrown off by his sudden call out, and there is an immediate urge to defend myself. “Yeah, I’m fine. Everyone else just has a lot to say. I can’t get a word in edgewise.”
Suddenly I feel everyone’s eyes locked on me and I immediately regret saying what I did. Blending in works a lot better when you don’t suddenly go on the attack.
“That’s never stopped you before but–” Justin starts.
“Dude, shut up.” Anthony glares over at him then locks eyes with me. He doesn’t say anything but I feel like there is an understanding. Though I’m not sure what he understands.
“Sorry, I’m just not feeling it today…” I look down to my hands on the table and hope the conversation moves past me. However there is now a lull–an obvious problem that has caught the group's attention. Even after the conversation resumes, I still feel like they’re watching me from the corner of their eyes.
Once it seems everyone has moved on and the group reaches its prior energy level, Anthony gets up and nudges me as he walks past. When I look up at him all I get is a head nod away from the table. I stand and follow him as he tosses his trash away.
“Don’t worry about Justin. He’s so focused on impressing Sarah he wouldn’t notice if it started raining donuts outside.” He gives no facial expression when he says this, he just speaks at a low calm level which I do find oddly relaxing. “So what’s going on? Or are you not ready to talk about it?” He leads me away from the trash bins, out the doors of the cafeteria and begins walking slowly towards the empty school field.
“I don’t know, I’m trying to keep it together. Today is just hard…”
Anthony nods a little, “That happens. We all have bad days. I’m sure hearing Mark ramble on about his trip isn’t helping much.”
“Kind of, it's just that Summer is almost here.”
There is a small pause as Anthony just sits on what I said. Finally he takes a slow breath, “I guess it has been about a year, are you doing okay?”
It hits me like a freight train. I’d been avoiding putting it into words for as long as I could, but there it was. One year ago today was the day we got the call that my Grandpa had passed away. I thought I had worked through all my feelings about this, however that’s the reason I’m finding today difficult. My mind is constantly drifting to him, and how much I wish he was still here. I know Mark was just excited about his trip in a few weeks, but hearing plans about summer was hard for me.
“If I’m being honest? Not really.”
“That’s fair. And you know what? You don’t need to be. Just take the time you need.” He raises his hand and pats my shoulder twice while we continue walking.
This was my Grandpa’s favorite time of year. It’s when we did the most things together. Trying to get that man away from a lake was damn near impossible. If we weren't out on his little boat fishing, we were sitting next to a campfire laughing. I have a lot of good memories like that.
The two of us walk around the field for a long time, not saying a word. As strange as it sounds I feel this is exactly what I needed. Anthony isn’t someone who’d tell anyone to just suck it up. He puts his friends above a number of things, and he’s always been one of the nicest guys I know.
“Well, if you’re feeling up to it: I was thinking us guys could get a campsite one weekend this summer. I know you haven’t been in a while, and I think we’ll have a good time.” He doesn’t look at me, just keeps his eye forward on where we’re going. “The girls will probably show up for a bit, but that’s fine. The last time I sat by a fire was with you and your grandpa, it’d be nice to do it again. In his memory.”
My grandpa used to always say that sitting by a fire with people you care about was one of the greatest things life has to offer. He’d say, It’s cheap, it’s easy, and it’s always great fun. He’d then let out his loud laugh and smile at me. You’ll understand one day, young man.
Adaptability: an ability or willingness to change in order to suit different conditions. Grandpa may not be here to do these things with me anymore, but I should keep on doing them. It might not be the same, but it will still be nice to do. Maybe a little difficult at first, but it’ll get easier.
“Not right away.” I pause, “But I think that would be nice. Thanks”
His hand lands on my shoulder again, “No problem.”
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